Broken Intimacy: Allosexual vs The Closeted asexual.

Do you think you're a closeted asexual?

It’s a pretty scene. Two young lovers enjoying an embrace without a care in the world. They look wonderfully happy… and fertile.

From the outside it’s a dream match up. Unfortunately this relationship is hiding a dark and nasty secret within. When it reveals itself, it may damage their lives irreparably and forever.

One of them is asexual.

What is asexual?

In loose terms: A person who is not sexual, that is, someone who has no interest in sex.

This does not mean that an asexual doesn’t want to have a relationship. The desire to connect with others is still there. It’s just that those connections of the physical kind are not required… at all.

It makes for an interesting conundrum. What happens when we shed our childhood skin for our adulthood one? In books, we read about relationships all the time. A boy meets a girl. The two fall in love and get married. They have children and live happily everafter. At no point does the story go: One of them is asexual but the two of them suffer trying to living to an allosexual ideal. (I’ve purposely left the word heterosexual out of this paragraph)

There aren’t too many examples of asexuality in this world in which to measure this kind of relationship. Steamy love scenes are normal content. Romance from the rafters is commonplace. Even gay lifestyles are having their moment in the sun. There are far more stories on offer about gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transexual lifestyles that’d it’d be easy to research sex on any sexual type. What about those who don’t need anyone at any point?

About one percent of community is asexual. That’s about equal to same-sex relationships. Given that there is little asexual awareness, it’s possible that the asexual statistic is higher, often misinterpreted as a low libido or a poor sex drive. Few people would raise their hand and admit that sex isn’t for them at all, especially if they’re already in a marriage or a relationship of some sort.

And then there are the knockers, those who disbelieve asexuals. They say the problem stems from a bad sexual encounter or not finding the right lover to have good quality sex with. It parrots the criticism allosexuals used to give to same-sex couples a decade or two ago. It puts blame on someone or something else, rather than accepting a truth. That truth is: some people are born NOT to have sex. It’s shocking to say it’s so… but it’s absolutely true. We must be prepared for it. Ignoring it doesn’t help hetero or asexuals.

And so how does a young fertile woman or man cope with asexuality knowing nothing of it? They enter a relationship believing that sex should be normal and therefore functional and complete. They see images of couples acting out scenes of sexual attraction and mimic what they know. What they don’t know is not everyone likes or needs sex.

Asexuality has been spoken about on my blog before. That’s because the SEETHINGS narrative depends on it to sustain the tension within the book. It relies on three key factors: 1. A belief that asexuality doesn’t exist, 2. Heterosexuality is normal and part of the perfect marriage model, 3. Upholding the boy/girl stereotypes at-all-costs.

-Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS)

The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Order 

A novel for men

‘Forman’s writing style is artful, with the protagonist Mitchell’s warped thought processes masterfully exposed. The author has a powerful and vivid command of language and his word pictures are stark and disturbingly real.’  – Linda J Bettenay, author of ‘Secrets Mothers Keep’ and ‘Wishes For Starlight’

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Broken Intimacy: Allosexual vs The Closeted asexual. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

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True Story: No Sex Before Marriage Ruined Us

No sex before marriage ruined us

Celibacy Ruined Our Marriage

Before you ask, seven years. It was seven years before we married. Our no sex before marriage rule was upheld right to the night of our wedding. We were friends who fell in love and then went the distance… for seven whole years!

Happy coupleWe believed waiting would make our love stronger. Sex is a precious thing. It’s something to be savoured, respected, celebrated in the sanctity of marriage. There’s no better way to start out life than to do things by the book, by the way God had intended love to be.

It all started fine. It was true, abstaining from sex richened our relationship. We became good conversationalists and worked on many projects together. After all, there’s a lot more minutes in a day without sex than with it. Couples should be able to work together too, right? So we did that.

On paper it sounds really good, doesn’t it?

What went wrong is that it became a habit. Sex had been pushed so far away for so long that it never really came out. It was a painful experience, both emotionally and physically. Seven years struggling with awkward intimacy led to a mostly sexless marriage.

We took our problem to a doctor but the doctor found nothing. She suggested a counsellor would be of more help. For four more years, we struggled to broach a topic we had practiced to avoid. There were lots of tears. Hearts were broken many times over.

After eleven years of marriage, we decided to end those sessions… and the marriage itself. Our sexual differences had been revealed and there was no repairing the damage. We never had children and we haven’t spoken again, not since since we went our separate ways over a decade ago.

Post divorce.

Now that some time has passed, I believe that it’s important to pass on the knowledge I gained over the experience.

Sex isn’t a big deal. Love matters most but abstaining from sex doesn’t guarantee the quality of love. You either love someone or you don’t. No sex before marriage won’t change that fact but it certainly can hide crucial sexual issues, important things that will matter for the success of a life-long relationship. Holding back only holds back what you don’t know. I’m not suggesting that we all jump into bed at the first chance we get. That’d be ridiculous. What I’m saying is that celibacy can be unintentionally hurtful and destructive to a partnership, especially if it’s done for a long time, like we did.

Whatever your reasons for choosing celibacy, keep in mind my story. No sex before marriage is a nice ideal. It’s the stuff fairytales are made of. When it’s applied to flesh and blood people though, it comes with certain risks.

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True Story: No Sex Before Marriage Ruined Us was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape.

Sexual denial; Aggressor or VictimSexual denial: Approximately two-thirds of rape victims know their attacker. Where the stats on it’s opposite?

Statistics on rape crimes are available everywhere but there’s nothing on rape’s opposite: Sexual denial. It’s prevalent and quietly damaging the lives of millions.

Sexual denial? What? That’s a bit of a hard-sell isn’t it?

Yes, it sure is, but ask a victim of prolonged sexual denial and deep down things get very serious. The steely edge of reality strikes home when one rejection after another begins to destroy a soul. There’s nothing to be done about sexual denial except to suffer in silence. Believe it or not, this contains all the elements that can be associated with any sex crime. It’s all about power and who has it.

Sexual denial is a human right, right?

Sure. There’s no crime in saying no. That’s fine but is that the end of the discussion?

In a monogamous relationship it certainly is. Monogamy expects to support the two-for-one rule: If one doesn’t want sex both can’t have it.

Rape is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. Sexual denial is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. Rape leaves evidence. Sexual denial does not.

Married couples will have their sexual ups and downs. So will long-termers. The frequency and length of sex will fluctuate and this is expected. There is, however, a dark version of sexual denial that steps outside this model and moves to psychological manipulation. It’s harder to identify because so many emotions cloak it. Words like love, dedication, devotion and equality smother it in generous amounts of guilt. Unlike rape, it’s is never dealt with, not by the police and courts anyway. In social circles, few talk about it. It’s often swept under the carpet and forgotten.Why no doesnt mean no

Communication is the key. Sure, that sounds logical, but remember: One person has the power and the other hasn’t. The sexual denier is the one who sets the sexual tempo and they are the aggressor… even if their actions are mostly passive and done with the best of intentions. They won’t often see themselves as the antagonist at all. Theirs is to appear as a wounded hero and work that side of the street.

There are several legitimate reasons why loving, monogamous couples don’t have sex.

  1. Religious belief (Celibacy).
  2. Personal choice (Abstinence).
  3. Exhaustion or tiredness.
  4. Pain during intercourse.
  5. Health issues.
  6. Erectile dysfunction.
  7. Distance or no time together.
  8. Fall out of love.
  9. Asexuality.

Sexual denial: Aggression in disguise?

Passive aggressors can use any of these reasons to block sex. They’re all valid ones… up to a point. A narcissistic intimacy-Nazi uses some or all of these excuses and then rotates them to avoid their aggression being discovered. The best of the best will present a perfect facade and no one will be any wiser.

Asexuality is the odd one out in the list above. It isn’t used often as it requires the guilty one to provide a confession. Someone fronted up to a relationship believing sex wasn’t necessary. It’s not a crime to be asexual but it should be made into a convictable one is dragging another into a life-long relationship of forced celibacy.

counsellor does patientLove does make us do and say strange thing. It has us make stupid mistakes… but how long can they stay mistakes if the lines of communication are open and the cries of help are loud?

If it’s like rape, the answer should be: Never. They should never be mistakes. It’s never a mistake to deny our partner’s sex. It’s a purposeful and selfish act. You have to ask yourself, what would a sexless relationship provide an abuser? What are they getting out of it?

Mitchell Felding (Protagonist in SEETHINGS)


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“Mike’s writing has you in the room from the outset. You are meeting characters left right and centre and then bang –‘it’ is here. He takes you on a vengeful, aggressive journey…” -Michael M Roleystone

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Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Broken Intimacy: Allosexual vs The Closeted Asexual.

Do you think you're a closeted asexual?

The Closeted Asexual: Lies in the Bedroom.

It’s easy to confuse scenes like these. One would easily assume that this couple is happy, sexy and fertile but this isn’t the case. One of them is a closeted asexual and doesn’t know it. In time, this will cause a rift to grow in their relationship and, if things don’t change, it will damage their relationship irreparably. It may ruin their lives in the long term.

Ironically, open and mixed-sex lifestyles have had so much air time lately that simple heterosexuality sounds comparatively pedestrian. There are images of sex everywhere. We’re led to believe that if you’re not getting any of that sexual magic you’re not living life properly. So when we read something about asexuality in the media, we’re instantly confused by it. We say to ourselves: “WTF!”

What is a closted asexual?

First we have to understand what asexual is. In loose terms: A person who is not sexual, that is, someone who has no interest in sex. A closeted asexual is one who has not yet accepted their sexuality type but often tries to live a life they believe would satisfy others. They act sexual to produce an appealing behaviour for friends and to look normal.

It’s a conundrum. Everyone tells us what love should be like and we grow up modelling our lives on that belief. As children, we read books and listen to adults tell us what is right and wrong but what happens if it doesn’t all fall into place when we cross over and become adults?

There aren’t too many regular examples of asexuality in this world. Romance from the rafters comes first and foremost. Even gay, transexual and pansexual lifestyles are having their moment in the sun. But what about those who don’t need any sex at any point? is there an acceptable standard for asexuals?

It sounds too unbelievable to be real, right? It sounds more like a disease or something. It’s no wonder that the closeted asexual can remain contained for life, spending all their energy on denying asexuality, making the perfect marriage perfect, raising perfect children and living typical but awkwardly managed sexual lifestyles.

About one percent of community is asexual. That’s about equal to same-sex relationships. Given that there is little asexual awareness, it’s possible that the closeted asexual statistic is quite high, often misinterpreted as something else like a low libido or poor sex drive. Few asexuals would raise their hand and admit that sex isn’t for them. Most would blame something or someone for their lack of interest in sex.

And then there are the knockers, those who disbelieve asexuals. They say the problem stems from a bad sexual encounter or not finding the right lover to have good quality sex with. It parrots the criticism heterosexuals used to give to same-sex couples a decade or two ago. It puts blame elsewhere rather than accepting a truth. That truth is: some people are born NOT to have sex. It’s shocking to say it’s so… but it’s absolutely true. We must be prepared for it. Ignoring it doesn’t help hetero, gay, bi, pan or asexuals alike.

The SEETHINGS narrative depends on one closeted asexual’s beliefs to sustain the tension within the book. It relies on three key factors: 1. A Asexuality doesn’t exist, 2. Heterosexuality is normal, 3. Boy/girl stereotype leads to marriage happiness.

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‘Forman’s writing style is artful, with the protagonist Mitchell’s warped thought processes masterfully exposed. The author has a powerful and vivid command of language and his word pictures are stark and disturbingly real.’  – Linda J Bettenay, author of ‘Secrets Mothers Keep’ and ‘Wishes For Starlight’

.

Broken Intimacy: Allosexual vs The Closeted Asexual. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape.

trust trust trustApproximately two-thirds of rape victims know their attacker. Rapists are often serial criminals. A sexual assault happens every 100 seconds.

Statistics on rape crimes are available everywhere but there’s nothing on rape’s opposite: Sexual denial. It’s prevalent and quietly damaging lives in their millions.

You’re thinking: Blogging about sexual denial? What? That’s a bit of a hard-sell isn’t it? How far do you think you’ll  go with that?

Yes, on the surface it’s a bit of a giggle. Deeper down it gets very serious. Ask anyone who lives inside a sexless marriage and cries themselves to sleep at night and you won’t see smiles. The steely edge of reality strikes hard when it comes to long term sexual denial. And there’s nothing that  anyone can do about it. It’s not a crime to deny. What do you do next? Who do you turn to? As silly as all this sounds, sexual denial is real and very painful. It’s humiliating, demoralizing, hurtful and potentially very dangerous. It contains all the emotional elements associated with any rape crime, it’s just we don’t talk about it like that or have it taken seriously when we try to engage the topic in conversation.

Vetoing sex is a basic human right, right? There’s no crime in saying no.

Fine!

Is that the end of the discussion then?

In a monogamous relationship it certainly is. The f*ck stops there. That’s the rule of the monogamy game. If you are a true believer of it then you are also a supporter of sexual monopoly – a game that relies on just one person to dispense the right type and amount of physical intimacy at the right moment. If they choose not to do that then that’s their right to do so. You’re expected to support that right and live with the choice not to engage in coitus.

Rape is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. Sexual denial is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. At least rape leaves evidence. At least rape is serious business and treated as such.

I suspect that sexual denial happens far more frequently than rape. Rape and denial are most likely linked. But if the words running around in your head right now are something like: I wouldn’t stay in such a relationship or if you don’t like it, get out or it’s your own fault for letting it happen then remind yourself that they are the kinds of words victims of rape hear. Blaming the victim for this crime isn’t at all helpful.Why no doesnt mean no

Some say communication is the key. Sure, that sounds logical, but remember: Rapists don’t need communication with their victim to know that they rape. A victim shouldn’t need to explain their pain to their attacker to know that what was done to them hurts. Rape hurts. Denial hurts. Communicating your needs to your partner may help… or not. Nevertheless, there are signs of denial’s pain and it comes long before a word of it is mentioned. Let’s face it, abusers will abuse and ignorance is an excuse that goes only so far.

But let’s be fair for the sake of being so. Let’s say word has been given about the pain denial is causing and plenty has been said. What then? Is it three strikes and you’re out? In theory it’s a good play. It’s logical.

But that’s not how it happens. Women stay in abusive relationships all the time. They go back time and time again and take a beating from their spouse or partner knowing that what’s happening to them is wrong. They know it’s domestic violence but they go back to it anyway. People stay in sexless relationships for similar reasons and go through the same thought processes. They think that things will get better, believing that peppering the relationship with more love will add the right amount of spice to encourage change. And then change doesn’t happen. Another day passes and the sufferer goes back with the pepper-shaker and shakes it until it empties. Change doesn’t happen again but a trip to the supermarket for more pepper does. What else can you do if you love and respect that person? What if you sealed your love with a vow at an altar? Is your Word and Faith strong enough to engage every part of your spirit, mind and body in a lifelong commitment of enduring pain? For Better or Worse has a lot to answer for.

There are several legitimate reasons why loving, monogamous couples don’t have sex.

  1. Religious belief (Celibacy).
  2. Personal choice (Abstinence).
  3. Exhaustion or tiredness.
  4. Pain during intercourse.
  5. Health issues.
  6. Erectile dysfunction.
  7. Distance or no time together.
  8. Fall out of love.
  9. Asexuality.

As you can see, escaping the bedroom isn’t too hard to do. There’s a tonne of go-to alibis for a sexual denier.

Abstinence and celibacy are usually the shortest lived of all excuses. At some point these barriers must fall when certain criteria have been met. Exhaustion is a far more flexible excuse, setting up serial offenders for life. Legitimate health issues can block the path. Illegitimate ones can do the same. Distance and clever scheduling puts all paths out of reach. Children is the trumping card. They can be used in any way to inhibit the act of sex. Who can argue with putting the needs of children ahead of sex?

A clever intimacy Nazi use some or all of these excuses. The best of them will programme a complete life to make it look like they’re totally innocent of all charges. The best of the best will present a perfect facade for anyone who intends to examine the inner-workings of their relationship and they’ll always come out on top.

It leaves us two hideaway escapes for sexual deniers: Falling out of love and asexuality.

Unfortunately, running out of sex follows falling out of love. The sex drops away and excuses cover the truth. Avoiding the truth is harder than avoiding sex. Some just don’t want to discuss The End.

Asexuality: This is an odd one. It isn’t usually used as an excuse because it requires the guilty one to confess to lying. Someone fronted up to a relationship believing sex wasn’t entirely necessary. It’s not a crime to be asexual but it should be made a crime to drag another into a life-long relationship of forced celibacy.

counsellor does patientLove does make us do and say strange things, we know that. This has us make mistakes… but how long can they stay mistakes if the lines of communication are wide open and the cries of help are loud and frequent?

If it’s like rape, the answer should be: Never. They should never be mistakes. It’s never a mistake to deny sex. It’s a purposeful act. You have to ask yourself, what does the relationship provide such an abuser? What are they getting out it?

Mitchell Felding (Protagonist in SEETHINGS)headshoulders


You’ve been reading the writes of Mr Mitchell Felding, a character in my novel SEETHINGS . Hi, I’m Michael Forman and to understand Mitchell’s skewed viewpoint you have to go back to the beginning. He’s stuck in a 14 year long sexless relationship and trying to find reason within an unexplainable situation. As you can imagine, it’s been a brain-bending life sleeping beside wife Sam each night. She wants a child. She’s been telling all her friends. She just doesn’t engage in sex.

In the meantime something strange is happening in a storm drenched city. The Kurdaitcha Man has had everyone on-edge. They wonder who his next victim will be…

The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Order 
SEETHINGS novel by Michael Forman

“Mike’s writing has you in the room from the outset. You are meeting characters left right and centre and then bang –‘it’ is here. He takes you on a vengeful, aggressive journey…” -Michael M Roleystone

.

Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Sexless marriage? Maybe you married an asexual!

Are you suffering from a heavy case Sexless Marriage Syndrome?

Sexless marriage

Don’t laugh. It can be seriously true. If you’re living in a sexless marriage and you’re the partner suffering from not having enough sex, it’s possible you’ve found yourself an asexual mate who hasn’t been properly diagnosed.

Read closely to see what this is and if there’s anything you can do to change them (or you) to make things right.

First, let’s get some numbers on the table. A sexless marriage is determined as one having sex less than ten times a year.

Around 1% of the population is said to be asexual. That’s about the same as the gay and lesbian statistics.  Asexuality means, in general terms, no sex.

An asexual person doesn’t require sex or feel any of those lovely sensations allosexuals (those who engage in coitus) have when being with another person. They simply have no need for sex. Period.

But that doesn’t stop asexuals from being part of sexual relationships. It’s traditional to be a part of a couple. It’s what our friends do. It’s what our siblings do. It’s what our parents do. Asexuals have read about relationships and seen images of couples everywhere. At this point there’s no reason to not want a partner of their own and begin the processes of dating and marrying. By the time asexuality has been discovered in a marriage and identified, it’s too late. Few asexuals are aware of their sexuality type when entering a relationship and it only presents itself when it has an affect on another because, to them, nothing has been wrong.

sexless marriage disease

There’s no cure for asexuality, just as there’s no ‘cure’ for homosexuality. It’s not a disease. It’s not a ‘broken’ condition either. You can’t repair what’s not broken. The issue in a allosexual+asexual marriage is not whether it has enough sex in it or not, it’s about the differences in sexual types and the expectations of each other in the bedroom.

What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage.

Open discussion has to be the first port of call. Perhaps a marriage counsellor will help encourage a balanced discussion. If you’ve been at each other’s throats before reading this, a counsellor may keep the conversation civil while broaching the topic. It’s then important to keep an open mind to all the options when dealing with your partner’s sexual differences. Remember: You’re half the problem, not the whole. You’re half the solution, not the whole. Don’t find blame in your opposite if you want the relationship to continue. Blame isn’t helpful. Acceptance is encouraged.

sexless marriage counselling

Asexual sexless marriage with children.

You’d think it wouldn’t get this far but it frequently does. There’s more asexuals with children than without. Asexuals may not need sex but many have the capacity to reproduce. Having children won’t improve sexual relations, if anything, it will exasperate problems. Obviously, it’d be better to understand asexuality / allosexuality differences before having children but, as mentioned before, the patterns of life are already set for many of us. Contrary to logic, asexuals marry and have children despite not having a sexual drive.

Am I Asexual?

It’s easy to confuse asexuality with low libido. It’s easy to confuse a loveless marriage with asexuality too. Emotions and sex are tied together so if it’s not happening one way, it won’t happen the other. The question you want to ask yourself: Do you have, or have had the capacity to enjoy sex? A good marriage counsellor will help you work this answer out. If the answer is yes, then you’re probably not asexual.

Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS)

Sexless marriage? Maybe you married an asexual! was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Asexuality in fiction. Where is it?

Asexuality in fiction

Asexuality in fiction.

Sex is prevalent in many novels but what about it’s opposite, asexuality?

Some say Sherlock Holmes is the greatest known asexual protagonist in modern literature. That may be so but aside from ‘ol-Sherlock, what else is there to read?

SEETHINGS.

Before we leave that offering at your feet, let’s be open and say SEETHINGS does have sex written into it. In fact, SEETHINGS is downright dripping in erotic content. This is because asexuality exists in part of the narrative that our protagonist breaks off and goes the other way.

What is asexuality you ask? Just in case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t caught up with this sexuality-type, in simple terms, asexuality in humans is no sex. It’s a little different to the definition I was taught at school. Asexual creatures were those that didn’t need a partner to reproduce offspring. They could make babies all by themselves. Asexuality in humans isn’t like that. It’s more a hardwired genetic variance that removes the need for sex entirely. Intercourse is not required for asexuals. (There are variations to asexual lifestyles)

Some sceptics say that it’s a product of a bad sexual experience or not being able to find the right person to enjoy good sex with but if you read into the darkest corners of the web you’ll find many asexuals who don’t agree. It just comes down to not switching on, ever, for any reason!

This is not to be confused with low libido or falling out of love. That’s another thing. This is why asexuality can be so hard to identify. Most of us assume everyone has the capacity to fall in love and enjoy wholesome sex. But asexuality is the opposite. It’s real. It happens. Asexuality happens far more often than the explanations given to pass it off for something else. Swap the word for Gay or Lesbian and you’ll have a better understanding of it’s relative position in the sexual landscape.

Similary, what would happen if a heterosexual man married an asexual woman who hasn’t yet come out of the closet? They each grow up in normal families and love each other deeply. They dream of a perfect life and each have made sacrifices to make it work. It’s just that… sex is out.

SEETHINGS is asexuality in fiction. As said above, it’s not exactly a non-sexual novel, quite the opposite, it’s because our leading lady can’t go there that the ride gets wild for her spouse… in more ways than one, some dangerously deadly!

Kind Regards, Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS)

The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Order 
SEETHINGS novel by Michael Forman (This is real)

‘Forman’s writing style is artful, with the protagonist Mitchell’s warped thought processes masterfully exposed. The author has a powerful and vivid command of language and his word pictures are stark and disturbingly real.’  – Linda J Bettenay, author of ‘Secrets Mothers Keep’ and ‘Wishes For Starlight’

Asexuality in fiction. Where is it? was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR