Sexless Relationship? Hidden Asexuality Causes It.

Sexless relationship? Is your partner playing hard to get or are they asexual?

Sexless relationship

It could be that your sexless relationship is the result of asexuality. You or your partner may be asexually inclined and didn’t even know it!

Libido is a very personal thing. Some of us have more of it and others have less. Sexual attraction, frequency of sex and sexual preferences can make the trip to heaven a little rocky. The map to paradise is made even more adventurous when asexuality’s road is added to it and then runs parallel to our own.

About one percent of the population is said to be asexual. That’s about the same as all the other non-hetero types. It’s regularly overlooked because there’s an understanding in general society that a couple’s sexual problem lies with their intimacy. It’s rarely an individual’s sexual identity that’s at fault.

We’re geared up to believe that sex between adults should be wild and chandelier-swinging. It’s so hardwired that our default setting never considers sex’s opposite. A sexless relationship is wrong.

Sex is NOT for everyone. Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction. They don’t need sex. It’s not an illness. It’s not a fad. It’s just their sexuality type.

[There is a lot more detailed information about asexuality on this specialist asexuality website ]

And it’s not about not having good sex with a partner. It’s not about not having a caring and sensitive one either. It’s not about the partner at all. These are all legitimate reasons. They just happen to be an asexual’s go-to reasons when nothing else makes much sense.

ss1Asexuality is simply a sexual type, like gay or lesbian. The asexual requires nil sex. A sexless relationship (or a near sexual relationship) occurs with anyone they are partnered to.

If you’re the partner to an asexual then this is great news. You’re not at fault. You’re not the cause the sexless relationship. You’ve simply encountered an asexual who tried very hard to live a normal life pattern by having a normal relationship. It caught up with them. Their opposite expected physical intimacy to be part of the deal and that’s not working out well for both of you.

Sometimes asexuality can take a while to be discovered. Sometimes it’s never found because pride, bone headedness or even religious tradition blocks the way. That fact is, we assume sex is for all of us – always!

If you have a sexless relationship and you’re having therapy for it, ask your specialist to consider the possibility of asexuality. If they dismiss your concerns too quickly, stick to your guns. Relationship counsellors are people too. They live in the same sexually-fuelled society you do. It’s likely that they’re trapped in a bubble of disbelief, preferring to look at other things that might cause the problem and nothing else.

Remember: It wasn’t too long ago we didn’t accept same-sex lifestyles. Tradition had us believing love was only meant to be between a man and a woman.

love

Asexuality is also real. We have to come to terms with it. Sexless relationships and asexuality are intrinsicly tied together. When one exists, the other is often nearby. The question you’re probably asking is: How would I know for sure?

The site link I provided earlier gives clues although there are no definitive one-word answers. Independently, no single clue has the power to diagnose asexuality. They are only pointer-statements and are meant to be combined. Readers must make cluster-outcomes with the advice given to draw their conclusion. The info is also revised often and updated as new understandings come to light. You have to make up your own mind based on them.

I wrote a novel on one sexless relationship, turning it into a psychological thriller with neo noir overtones. It follows a couple who haven’t yet broken through the standard heterosexual stereotype of marriage. Hanging onto tradition and old-world beliefs almost kills them. Enjoy reading it by ordering a copy today!

-Michael (Author of sexless story in SEETHINGS) Subscribe to blog.

The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Orde
SEETHINGS novel by Michael Forman

Sexless Relationship? Hidden Asexuality Causes It. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

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Little White Lies

Little White LiesWe all lie. It’s in our nature.

‘How’s your day been?’ Someone asks. ‘Very well,’ you reply with an unconvincing smile, knowing it’s been anything but that. It’s a lie we tell with ease… and we accept hearing it just the same.

It’s polite to reply with words than a grunt. It’s acceptable to answer civilly with a wrong answer than an diabolically honest one. No one really wants to know the truth besides, asking is merely an acknowledgment of existence anyway. Someone recognizes you and by answering you’re thanking them for taking the time to say something, anything, to you.

Lying is an important part of communication. It helps sustain relationships and entertains us. White lies created around things like: ‘How are you?’, Santa Claus, the answer to whether that dress makes you look fat – are woven comfortably into the tapestry of language.

There is another lie that snakes its way into conversation too.

Silence.

Don’t get me wrong, silence isn’t always a reptilian of the forked kind, sometimes it is what it is, a nil-response with zero intention. Often it’s not. In fact, rarely it’s nothing because doing nothing is doing something. Abstaining from words is not just about silence, it’s about abstinence. Sitting on fences is not nothing either. It positions a sitter between viewpoints and assigns boundaries, one for each viewpoint and another for the fence sitter’s place on the fence. That is something. That is a several somethings. Only a fool would believe otherwise. But silence can be driven by the same love-lie designed to promote and reinforce relationships.

What matters is the intention behind a lie. How do you know intention?

You don’t. That’s what trust is for. Little white lies and those truths hidden under a cloak of silence can be harmless, therefore they should remain innocent until proven guilty. Waging a war to chase down love’s intention is pointless. But the difference between these lies and the blacker ones is that, once discovered, black ones are provable. They also are backed by the darkest of intent. They go deep and cut right into the bone.

In SEETHINGS, some of the lies are blatantly obvious. They are drowned in a deep, rich blackness that engulfs a reader in so much text-poison that they cannot be ignored. This was done to set a firm foundation for the narrative. The most dangerous of all the lies written into the narrative have been swapped for the safety of silence. They were downgraded to make them look harmless. You won’t see the biggest lie coming when it hits. Your jaw will drop.

-Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS)

 The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Order 

Michael Forman’s books on Goodreads ratings: 4 (avg rating 4.50)

Seethings

‘Forman’s writing style is artful, with the protagonist Mitchell’s warped thought processes masterfully exposed. The author has a powerful and vivid command of language and his word pictures are stark and disturbingly real.’  – Linda J Bettenay, author of ‘Secrets Mothers Keep’ and ‘Wishes For Starlight’

 

Little White Lies was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

True Story: No Sex Before Marriage Ruined Us

No sex before marriage ruined us

Celibacy Ruined Our Marriage

Before you ask, seven years. It was seven years before we married. Our no sex before marriage rule was upheld right to the night of our wedding. We were friends who fell in love and then went the distance… for seven whole years!

Happy coupleWe believed waiting would make our love stronger. Sex is a precious thing. It’s something to be savoured, respected, celebrated in the sanctity of marriage. There’s no better way to start out life than to do things by the book, by the way God had intended love to be.

It all started fine. It was true, abstaining from sex richened our relationship. We became good conversationalists and worked on many projects together. After all, there’s a lot more minutes in a day without sex than with it. Couples should be able to work together too, right? So we did that.

On paper it sounds really good, doesn’t it?

What went wrong is that it became a habit. Sex had been pushed so far away for so long that it never really came out. It was a painful experience, both emotionally and physically. Seven years struggling with awkward intimacy led to a mostly sexless marriage.

We took our problem to a doctor but the doctor found nothing. She suggested a counsellor would be of more help. For four more years, we struggled to broach a topic we had practiced to avoid. There were lots of tears. Hearts were broken many times over.

After eleven years of marriage, we decided to end those sessions… and the marriage itself. Our sexual differences had been revealed and there was no repairing the damage. We never had children and we haven’t spoken again, not since since we went our separate ways over a decade ago.

Post divorce.

Now that some time has passed, I believe that it’s important to pass on the knowledge I gained over the experience.

Sex isn’t a big deal. Love matters most but abstaining from sex doesn’t guarantee the quality of love. You either love someone or you don’t. No sex before marriage won’t change that fact but it certainly can hide crucial sexual issues, important things that will matter for the success of a life-long relationship. Holding back only holds back what you don’t know. I’m not suggesting that we all jump into bed at the first chance we get. That’d be ridiculous. What I’m saying is that celibacy can be unintentionally hurtful and destructive to a partnership, especially if it’s done for a long time, like we did.

Whatever your reasons for choosing celibacy, keep in mind my story. No sex before marriage is a nice ideal. It’s the stuff fairytales are made of. When it’s applied to flesh and blood people though, it comes with certain risks.

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True Story: No Sex Before Marriage Ruined Us was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

A Moment Before A Kiss.

Before a kissMuch of SEETHINGS‘ narrative is written with or around a storm, literally and metaphorically.

In chapter five, Mitchell tries to explain what a new kiss is like, comparing it to the micro-moment before lightning strikes, a term he coins as anti-thunder.

Our photographer Mitchell is not just obsessed with lightning, he’s highly observant to what happens in the lead up. While chasing down the perfect photo of one, he discovers another sound lightning makes before it strikes. It’s subtle, easily missed, but before the ions connect and rise to superheated temperatures to make that all too familiar crack, a softer zipping noise can be heard.

Mitchell describes it as being the intention behind a kiss, the same experienced when two would-be lovers take a leap of faith and move together for the first time. They lean in not knowing whether crossing the gap will devour or save them. It signifies the end of security. What will happen? The taste of another’s breath is enticing but drawing it in provides no more certainty until the mission is complete. Lightning and thunder are a certainty but anti-thunder is the vacuumed whisper between lover’s lips taking their first step across the void. Will their soon-to-be silent lips strike like lightning to unite or destroy their worlds?

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lightningMitchell’s passion to photograph lightning comes from searching for that perfect moment before a kiss. Due to his loveless marriage, he dreams of experiencing another a first-kiss moment within a highly charged storm. Although misguided, his quest is a dangerous one… and he is not the only one seeking something from these nightly electrical events. There is another moving around in the darkness whose intentions aren’t so innocent. When the sun rises in the morning, the light will reveal the damage by showing us the face of another lifeless victim. Did Mitchell see something while he was out there with his camera? Did his lens capture a mysterious shadow in a place where it shouldn’t have been?

Read SEETHINGS to find out more.

-Michael Forman (Author)

The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Order 

Michael Forman’s books on Goodreads ratings: 4 (avg rating 4.50)

Seethings

Michael has put together a strong, heart beating novel, one which the readers of ‘psychotic thrillers’ will enjoy  – for the faint hearted, leave it alone! – Mike M. Roleystone

A Moment Before A Kiss. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape.

trust trust trustApproximately two-thirds of rape victims know their attacker. Rapists are often serial criminals. A sexual assault happens every 100 seconds.

Statistics on rape crimes are available everywhere but there’s nothing on rape’s opposite: Sexual denial. It’s prevalent and quietly damaging lives in their millions.

You’re thinking: Blogging about sexual denial? What? That’s a bit of a hard-sell isn’t it? How far do you think you’ll  go with that?

Yes, on the surface it’s a bit of a giggle. Deeper down it gets very serious. Ask anyone who lives inside a sexless marriage and cries themselves to sleep at night and you won’t see smiles. The steely edge of reality strikes hard when it comes to long term sexual denial. And there’s nothing that  anyone can do about it. It’s not a crime to deny. What do you do next? Who do you turn to? As silly as all this sounds, sexual denial is real and very painful. It’s humiliating, demoralizing, hurtful and potentially very dangerous. It contains all the emotional elements associated with any rape crime, it’s just we don’t talk about it like that or have it taken seriously when we try to engage the topic in conversation.

Vetoing sex is a basic human right, right? There’s no crime in saying no.

Fine!

Is that the end of the discussion then?

In a monogamous relationship it certainly is. The f*ck stops there. That’s the rule of the monogamy game. If you are a true believer of it then you are also a supporter of sexual monopoly – a game that relies on just one person to dispense the right type and amount of physical intimacy at the right moment. If they choose not to do that then that’s their right to do so. You’re expected to support that right and live with the choice not to engage in coitus.

Rape is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. Sexual denial is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. At least rape leaves evidence. At least rape is serious business and treated as such.

I suspect that sexual denial happens far more frequently than rape. Rape and denial are most likely linked. But if the words running around in your head right now are something like: I wouldn’t stay in such a relationship or if you don’t like it, get out or it’s your own fault for letting it happen then remind yourself that they are the kinds of words victims of rape hear. Blaming the victim for this crime isn’t at all helpful.Why no doesnt mean no

Some say communication is the key. Sure, that sounds logical, but remember: Rapists don’t need communication with their victim to know that they rape. A victim shouldn’t need to explain their pain to their attacker to know that what was done to them hurts. Rape hurts. Denial hurts. Communicating your needs to your partner may help… or not. Nevertheless, there are signs of denial’s pain and it comes long before a word of it is mentioned. Let’s face it, abusers will abuse and ignorance is an excuse that goes only so far.

But let’s be fair for the sake of being so. Let’s say word has been given about the pain denial is causing and plenty has been said. What then? Is it three strikes and you’re out? In theory it’s a good play. It’s logical.

But that’s not how it happens. Women stay in abusive relationships all the time. They go back time and time again and take a beating from their spouse or partner knowing that what’s happening to them is wrong. They know it’s domestic violence but they go back to it anyway. People stay in sexless relationships for similar reasons and go through the same thought processes. They think that things will get better, believing that peppering the relationship with more love will add the right amount of spice to encourage change. And then change doesn’t happen. Another day passes and the sufferer goes back with the pepper-shaker and shakes it until it empties. Change doesn’t happen again but a trip to the supermarket for more pepper does. What else can you do if you love and respect that person? What if you sealed your love with a vow at an altar? Is your Word and Faith strong enough to engage every part of your spirit, mind and body in a lifelong commitment of enduring pain? For Better or Worse has a lot to answer for.

There are several legitimate reasons why loving, monogamous couples don’t have sex.

  1. Religious belief (Celibacy).
  2. Personal choice (Abstinence).
  3. Exhaustion or tiredness.
  4. Pain during intercourse.
  5. Health issues.
  6. Erectile dysfunction.
  7. Distance or no time together.
  8. Fall out of love.
  9. Asexuality.

As you can see, escaping the bedroom isn’t too hard to do. There’s a tonne of go-to alibis for a sexual denier.

Abstinence and celibacy are usually the shortest lived of all excuses. At some point these barriers must fall when certain criteria have been met. Exhaustion is a far more flexible excuse, setting up serial offenders for life. Legitimate health issues can block the path. Illegitimate ones can do the same. Distance and clever scheduling puts all paths out of reach. Children is the trumping card. They can be used in any way to inhibit the act of sex. Who can argue with putting the needs of children ahead of sex?

A clever intimacy Nazi use some or all of these excuses. The best of them will programme a complete life to make it look like they’re totally innocent of all charges. The best of the best will present a perfect facade for anyone who intends to examine the inner-workings of their relationship and they’ll always come out on top.

It leaves us two hideaway escapes for sexual deniers: Falling out of love and asexuality.

Unfortunately, running out of sex follows falling out of love. The sex drops away and excuses cover the truth. Avoiding the truth is harder than avoiding sex. Some just don’t want to discuss The End.

Asexuality: This is an odd one. It isn’t usually used as an excuse because it requires the guilty one to confess to lying. Someone fronted up to a relationship believing sex wasn’t entirely necessary. It’s not a crime to be asexual but it should be made a crime to drag another into a life-long relationship of forced celibacy.

counsellor does patientLove does make us do and say strange things, we know that. This has us make mistakes… but how long can they stay mistakes if the lines of communication are wide open and the cries of help are loud and frequent?

If it’s like rape, the answer should be: Never. They should never be mistakes. It’s never a mistake to deny sex. It’s a purposeful act. You have to ask yourself, what does the relationship provide such an abuser? What are they getting out it?

Mitchell Felding (Protagonist in SEETHINGS)headshoulders


You’ve been reading the writes of Mr Mitchell Felding, a character in my novel SEETHINGS . Hi, I’m Michael Forman and to understand Mitchell’s skewed viewpoint you have to go back to the beginning. He’s stuck in a 14 year long sexless relationship and trying to find reason within an unexplainable situation. As you can imagine, it’s been a brain-bending life sleeping beside wife Sam each night. She wants a child. She’s been telling all her friends. She just doesn’t engage in sex.

In the meantime something strange is happening in a storm drenched city. The Kurdaitcha Man has had everyone on-edge. They wonder who his next victim will be…

The Novel ¦The Author ¦ Order 
SEETHINGS novel by Michael Forman

“Mike’s writing has you in the room from the outset. You are meeting characters left right and centre and then bang –‘it’ is here. He takes you on a vengeful, aggressive journey…” -Michael M Roleystone

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Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Sexless marriage? Maybe you married an asexual!

Are you suffering from a heavy case Sexless Marriage Syndrome?

Sexless marriage

Don’t laugh. It can be seriously true. If you’re living in a sexless marriage and you’re the partner suffering from not having enough sex, it’s possible you’ve found yourself an asexual mate who hasn’t been properly diagnosed.

Read closely to see what this is and if there’s anything you can do to change them (or you) to make things right.

First, let’s get some numbers on the table. A sexless marriage is determined as one having sex less than ten times a year.

Around 1% of the population is said to be asexual. That’s about the same as the gay and lesbian statistics.  Asexuality means, in general terms, no sex.

An asexual person doesn’t require sex or feel any of those lovely sensations allosexuals (those who engage in coitus) have when being with another person. They simply have no need for sex. Period.

But that doesn’t stop asexuals from being part of sexual relationships. It’s traditional to be a part of a couple. It’s what our friends do. It’s what our siblings do. It’s what our parents do. Asexuals have read about relationships and seen images of couples everywhere. At this point there’s no reason to not want a partner of their own and begin the processes of dating and marrying. By the time asexuality has been discovered in a marriage and identified, it’s too late. Few asexuals are aware of their sexuality type when entering a relationship and it only presents itself when it has an affect on another because, to them, nothing has been wrong.

sexless marriage disease

There’s no cure for asexuality, just as there’s no ‘cure’ for homosexuality. It’s not a disease. It’s not a ‘broken’ condition either. You can’t repair what’s not broken. The issue in a allosexual+asexual marriage is not whether it has enough sex in it or not, it’s about the differences in sexual types and the expectations of each other in the bedroom.

What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage.

Open discussion has to be the first port of call. Perhaps a marriage counsellor will help encourage a balanced discussion. If you’ve been at each other’s throats before reading this, a counsellor may keep the conversation civil while broaching the topic. It’s then important to keep an open mind to all the options when dealing with your partner’s sexual differences. Remember: You’re half the problem, not the whole. You’re half the solution, not the whole. Don’t find blame in your opposite if you want the relationship to continue. Blame isn’t helpful. Acceptance is encouraged.

sexless marriage counselling

Asexual sexless marriage with children.

You’d think it wouldn’t get this far but it frequently does. There’s more asexuals with children than without. Asexuals may not need sex but many have the capacity to reproduce. Having children won’t improve sexual relations, if anything, it will exasperate problems. Obviously, it’d be better to understand asexuality / allosexuality differences before having children but, as mentioned before, the patterns of life are already set for many of us. Contrary to logic, asexuals marry and have children despite not having a sexual drive.

Am I Asexual?

It’s easy to confuse asexuality with low libido. It’s easy to confuse a loveless marriage with asexuality too. Emotions and sex are tied together so if it’s not happening one way, it won’t happen the other. The question you want to ask yourself: Do you have, or have had the capacity to enjoy sex? A good marriage counsellor will help you work this answer out. If the answer is yes, then you’re probably not asexual.

Michael Forman (Author of SEETHINGS)

Sexless marriage? Maybe you married an asexual! was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do.

There's a time when love hurts
When love hurts

Love hurts most when lovers start to list off their relationship inputs like bankers dividing up dividends based investment percentages.

When love works, romantics sail to places out of reach of earthly wants. No one inside a new relationship will care about who does more or less. They want the fairytale and everything that comes with it.

But when things turn downwards and they are low, love martyrs return from the clouds and hit the ground hard. They’ll even rip their own hearts out in hope to show their opposite just how valuable their love effort was when things were good. Valuing a damaged heart is never a good sign for the future of any relationship.

No one plans for endings. Stories rarely close with: And they divorced happily ever-after.

But what’s wrong with saying goodbye and smiling knowing that our personal future will improve in some way? Optimism isn’t just for those living inside love-bubbles. Why can’t the hurt-ones take a scoop of that stuff for the time it’s needed most?

Breaking Old Habits After Love Hurts.

Breaking up is tragic. There’s always a sense of death that surrounds it. We lose someone significant in a break up. We lose something of ourselves too. A piece of something will die and it won’t be resurrected. Nothing will ever be the same again when love hurt ends everything. Wouldn’t it be just great if someone said that it’s okay to separate, to divorce, to go forth because that would be the right and honest thing to do? Can’t we just go there without the fear of taking the next step? Should we prefer suffering over change? Why stifle all that pent-up emotion during the day and let our pillows be the recipient of anger, sadness, frustration and yearning at night?

Many of us will prefer to do this than splitting-up because divorce is scary. There are too many variables to factor in when breaking up a long term relationship. Confronting the unknown creates fears that are far too dangerous for some to consider. What are we to do after making the decision to divorce? It’s like not being able to see in the dark. We don’t know what’s out there waiting for us. Maybe there’s a monster lurking in the shadows. Maybe there’s something worse out there, something so awful that it’s too hideous to think about like: Nothing, nothing at all.

Nothing is worse than loneliness. It’s nothing. It promises nothing. Love will go away and once it’s gone there’s no guarantee of it returning. Happiness will go away, gone, perhaps forever. Maybe I’ll die alone too, lonely, without anyone around me knowing if my life had any meaning or not. So instead of accepting that or taking a chance with optimism and nothing, I’ll prolong the torture by maintaining what I feel is an acceptable status quo with myself and my troubled relationship. I’ll support my fear-of-the-dark by lying to myself through lying to friends and family. I’ll tell them that everything is okay when I know in my heart that it’s truly not. I just don’t want to say it!

Moving On From Love Hurts.

Break ups do happen. They really do. They’re a natural part of life, just like those old ups and downs we wisely tell others about when love isn’t the main topic and the focus isn’t on ourselves. Love hurts and that’s a fact. The good must go with the bad. If we’re to believe that the tapestry of life isn’t made of just one colour, our favourite, then it’s possible it won’t be someone else’s.

We should be prepared to embrace the inevitable if it comes our way. Drawing things out believing that a positive change will occur if we wait long enough for it to happen isn’t always better, it’s just longer. At some point ongoing pain will be a strong motivator to accept change and it will come down to which pain is worse, staying or going. Only you’ll know when the time is right – but you’ll have to be the one who’s strong enough to commit to taking action.

When you’re ready to do that take a deep breath. To make the next part of the journey easier, make a step-by-step plan by writing out what you have to do to begin the ending. It’s a whole lot easier to focus on small components of the process than to try and figure out what the entire future brings. Just take a single step at a time.

Winning martyrWinners after Love Hurts?

Ask anyone who has been through divorce. Once the financial debris has settled and emotions have normalised, almost everyone who’s done it says that divorce improved their life. Few divorcees regret their choices. Even those who didn’t initiate the divorce in the first place will tell you the same!

It turns out that everyone can be winners in a divorce!

SEETHINGS is about love, long-term love too. It’s about two proud characters who once loved well but became love-martyrs to manage their endless end.

Enjoy your SEETHINGS journey. It will gently torment… and it certainly won’t disappoint. – Michael (Author SEETHINGS)

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Michael has put together a strong, heart beating novel, one which the readers of ‘psychotic thrillers’ will enjoy  – for the faint hearted, leave it alone! – Mike M. Roleystone
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Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR