Sexless relationship? Is your partner playing hard to get or are they asexual?
It could be that your sexless relationship is the result of asexuality. You or your partner may be asexually inclined and didn’t even know it!
Libido is a very personal thing. Some of us have more of it and others have less. Sexual attraction, frequency of sex and sexual preferences can make the trip to heaven a little rocky. The map to paradise is made even more adventurous when asexuality’s road is added to it and then runs parallel to our own.
About one percent of the population is said to be asexual. That’s about the same as all the other non-hetero types. It’s regularly overlooked because there’s an understanding in general society that a couple’s sexual problem lies with their intimacy. It’s rarely an individual’s sexual identity that’s at fault.
We’re geared up to believe that sex between adults should be wild and chandelier-swinging. It’s so hardwired that our default setting never considers sex’s opposite. A sexless relationship is wrong.
Sex is NOT for everyone. Asexuals don’t experience sexual attraction. They don’t need sex. It’s not an illness. It’s not a fad. It’s just their sexuality type.
[There is a lot more detailed information about asexuality on this specialist asexuality website ]
And it’s not about not having good sex with a partner. It’s not about not having a caring and sensitive one either. It’s not about the partner at all. These are all legitimate reasons. They just happen to be an asexual’s go-to reasons when nothing else makes much sense.
If you’re the partner to an asexual then this is great news. You’re not at fault. You’re not the cause the sexless relationship. You’ve simply encountered an asexual who tried very hard to live a normal life pattern by having a normal relationship. It caught up with them. Their opposite expected physical intimacy to be part of the deal and that’s not working out well for both of you.
Sometimes asexuality can take a while to be discovered. Sometimes it’s never found because pride, bone headedness or even religious tradition blocks the way. That fact is, we assume sex is for all of us – always!
If you have a sexless relationship and you’re having therapy for it, ask your specialist to consider the possibility of asexuality. If they dismiss your concerns too quickly, stick to your guns. Relationship counsellors are people too. They live in the same sexually-fuelled society you do. It’s likely that they’re trapped in a bubble of disbelief, preferring to look at other things that might cause the problem and nothing else.
Remember: It wasn’t too long ago we didn’t accept same-sex lifestyles. Tradition had us believing love was only meant to be between a man and a woman.
Asexuality is also real. We have to come to terms with it. Sexless relationships and asexuality are intrinsicly tied together. When one exists, the other is often nearby. The question you’re probably asking is: How would I know for sure?
The site link I provided earlier gives clues although there are no definitive one-word answers. Independently, no single clue has the power to diagnose asexuality. They are only pointer-statements and are meant to be combined. Readers must make cluster-outcomes with the advice given to draw their conclusion. The info is also revised often and updated as new understandings come to light. You have to make up your own mind based on them.
I wrote a novel on one sexless relationship, turning it into a psychological thriller with neo noir overtones. It follows a couple who haven’t yet broken through the standard heterosexual stereotype of marriage. Hanging onto tradition and old-world beliefs almost kills them. Enjoy reading it by ordering a copy today!