Sexual denial; Aggressor or VictimSexual denial: Approximately two-thirds of rape victims know their attacker. Where the stats on it’s opposite?

Statistics on rape crimes are available everywhere but there’s nothing on rape’s opposite: Sexual denial. It’s prevalent and quietly damaging the lives of millions.

Sexual denial? What? That’s a bit of a hard-sell isn’t it?

Yes, it sure is, but ask a victim of prolonged sexual denial and deep down things get very serious. The steely edge of reality strikes home when one rejection after another begins to destroy a soul. There’s nothing to be done about sexual denial except to suffer in silence. Believe it or not, this contains all the elements that can be associated with any sex crime. It’s all about power and who has it.

Sexual denial is a human right, right?

Sure. There’s no crime in saying no. That’s fine but is that the end of the discussion?

In a monogamous relationship it certainly is. Monogamy expects to support the two-for-one rule: If one doesn’t want sex both can’t have it.

Rape is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. Sexual denial is many things but mostly it’s about manipulation and power. Rape leaves evidence. Sexual denial does not.

Married couples will have their sexual ups and downs. So will long-termers. The frequency and length of sex will fluctuate and this is expected. There is, however, a dark version of sexual denial that steps outside this model and moves to psychological manipulation. It’s harder to identify because so many emotions cloak it. Words like love, dedication, devotion and equality smother it in generous amounts of guilt. Unlike rape, it’s is never dealt with, not by the police and courts anyway. In social circles, few talk about it. It’s often swept under the carpet and forgotten.Why no doesnt mean no

Communication is the key. Sure, that sounds logical, but remember: One person has the power and the other hasn’t. The sexual denier is the one who sets the sexual tempo and they are the aggressor… even if their actions are mostly passive and done with the best of intentions. They won’t often see themselves as the antagonist at all. Theirs is to appear as a wounded hero and work that side of the street.

There are several legitimate reasons why loving, monogamous couples don’t have sex.

  1. Religious belief (Celibacy).
  2. Personal choice (Abstinence).
  3. Exhaustion or tiredness.
  4. Pain during intercourse.
  5. Health issues.
  6. Erectile dysfunction.
  7. Distance or no time together.
  8. Fall out of love.
  9. Asexuality.

Sexual denial: Aggression in disguise?

Passive aggressors can use any of these reasons to block sex. They’re all valid ones… up to a point. A narcissistic intimacy-Nazi uses some or all of these excuses and then rotates them to avoid their aggression being discovered. The best of the best will present a perfect facade and no one will be any wiser.

Asexuality is the odd one out in the list above. It isn’t used often as it requires the guilty one to provide a confession. Someone fronted up to a relationship believing sex wasn’t necessary. It’s not a crime to be asexual but it should be made into a convictable one is dragging another into a life-long relationship of forced celibacy.

counsellor does patientLove does make us do and say strange thing. It has us make stupid mistakes… but how long can they stay mistakes if the lines of communication are open and the cries of help are loud?

If it’s like rape, the answer should be: Never. They should never be mistakes. It’s never a mistake to deny our partner’s sex. It’s a purposeful and selfish act. You have to ask yourself, what would a sexless relationship provide an abuser? What are they getting out of it?

Mitchell Felding (Protagonist in SEETHINGS)


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“Mike’s writing has you in the room from the outset. You are meeting characters left right and centre and then bang –‘it’ is here. He takes you on a vengeful, aggressive journey…” -Michael M Roleystone

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Abused by love: Mistakes of sexual denial and rape. was originally published on MICHAEL FORMAN AUTHOR

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