Are you suffering from a heavy case Sexless Marriage Syndrome?
Don’t laugh. It can be seriously true. If you’re living in a sexless marriage and you’re the partner suffering from not having enough sex, it’s possible you’ve found yourself an asexual mate who hasn’t been properly diagnosed.
Read closely to see what this is and if there’s anything you can do to change them (or you) to make things right.
First, let’s get some numbers on the table. A sexless marriage is determined as one having sex less than ten times a year.
Around 1% of the population is said to be asexual. That’s about the same as the gay and lesbian statistics. Asexuality means, in general terms, no sex.
An asexual person doesn’t require sex or feel any of those lovely sensations allosexuals (those who engage in coitus) have when being with another person. They simply have no need for sex. Period.
But that doesn’t stop asexuals from being part of sexual relationships. It’s traditional to be a part of a couple. It’s what our friends do. It’s what our siblings do. It’s what our parents do. Asexuals have read about relationships and seen images of couples everywhere. At this point there’s no reason to not want a partner of their own and begin the processes of dating and marrying. By the time asexuality has been discovered in a marriage and identified, it’s too late. Few asexuals are aware of their sexuality type when entering a relationship and it only presents itself when it has an affect on another because, to them, nothing has been wrong.
There’s no cure for asexuality, just as there’s no ‘cure’ for homosexuality. It’s not a disease. It’s not a ‘broken’ condition either. You can’t repair what’s not broken. The issue in a allosexual+asexual marriage is not whether it has enough sex in it or not, it’s about the differences in sexual types and the expectations of each other in the bedroom.
What to do if you’re in a sexless marriage.
Open discussion has to be the first port of call. Perhaps a marriage counsellor will help encourage a balanced discussion. If you’ve been at each other’s throats before reading this, a counsellor may keep the conversation civil while broaching the topic. It’s then important to keep an open mind to all the options when dealing with your partner’s sexual differences. Remember: You’re half the problem, not the whole. You’re half the solution, not the whole. Don’t find blame in your opposite if you want the relationship to continue. Blame isn’t helpful. Acceptance is encouraged.
Asexual sexless marriage with children.
You’d think it wouldn’t get this far but it frequently does. There’s more asexuals with children than without. Asexuals may not need sex but many have the capacity to reproduce. Having children won’t improve sexual relations, if anything, it will exasperate problems. Obviously, it’d be better to understand asexuality / allosexuality differences before having children but, as mentioned before, the patterns of life are already set for many of us. Contrary to logic, asexuals marry and have children despite not having a sexual drive.
Am I Asexual?
It’s easy to confuse asexuality with low libido. It’s easy to confuse a loveless marriage with asexuality too. Emotions and sex are tied together so if it’s not happening one way, it won’t happen the other. The question you want to ask yourself: Do you have, or have had the capacity to enjoy sex? A good marriage counsellor will help you work this answer out. If the answer is yes, then you’re probably not asexual.